The Secret Life of Sirius Black
by Dragon Mistress
Summary: Sirius and Remus want to bring a little bundle of joy into the world?! WHAT?! **WARNING! SB/RL SLASH, girl problems as well!**


Disclaimer: I own nothing!!  
  
Warnings: First off, there is slash! Not a lot, you will see why in a little bit. And secondly, anyone feeling squeamish about girl problems' shouldn't read this. They will come up quite often here.  
  
Pairings: Sirius/Remus; Ron/Hermione (implied). Also Ron gets a crush on Sirius. You'll see why.  
  
  
~The Secret Life of Sirius Black~  
  
  
You're going to WHAT?! Harry, Ron, and Hermione said together in total disbelief, staring at Sirius and Remus, who sat across from them, holding hands.  
  
We're going to try and have a baby, Sirius beamed.  
Harry asked, confused.  
Of course, Remus said.  
  
The three teenagers exchanged looks. Sirius and Remus were going to have a baby?  
Just *how* are you going to accomplish that? Hermione asked suspiciously.  
said Ron. I mean, in case you haven't noticed, you're both *men*.  
Oh, I didn't know, thanks for pointing that out, Ron, Sirius said sarcastically.  
Actually, there is a way, Remus said. You see, one of us only has to Transfigure himself into a woman.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged more looks.  
Is that safe? Hermione asked.  
Remus assured her.  
So, who's going to be the girl? Ron wanted to know.  
Both Remus and Sirius blushed and looked at each other, wondering how to break the news to them. But an idea had just dawned on Harry.  
Hang on, he said slowly. Remus, you can't do it - your transformations might hurt the baby... so that means...  
the three teenagers squeaked at once.  
  
Blushing furiously, Sirius nodded. Uh, yeah. Me.  
  
They stared at him for a few minutes.  
  
S-so when are you - uh - going to - er, change? Harry finally asked.  
Er - well, actually, we had planned on doing it after we told you, Remus said.  
  
They stared for a few more minutes.  
  
squeaked Ron. Uh... have fun then, I'm off.  
But Harry and Hermione grabbed his arms and pulled him back into his seat.  
You know, Harry said quietly, This could prove to be interesting.  
And you'll need another girl around to help you out, Sirius! Hermione said. I'll do it!  
Well, you don't seem to need me, Ron said weakly. So I'll be going -  
Hermione gave him her sweetest look. Oh, please Ron, stay!  
Ron could have melted at that smile, but he pretended not to notice. Instead he sat back down and said gruffly, Okay. I could do with a laugh....  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, as soon as the Weasleys and the Grangers had been contacted and talked to, and Sirius and Remus' offer to have Ron and Hermione visit for a while was accepted, and all that sort of rubbish had been taken care of, Remus clapped his hands together.  
Right then! Are you ready, love?  
I guess, Sirius said weakly.  
All right then, come on.   
He led Sirius into the bathroom for some privacy. Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat around twiddling their thumbs and gnawing on their fingernails. After about twenty minutes, Remus came back into the living room, looking extremely pleased.   
Did it work? Harry asked.  
Remus said, beaming. Love, come out and let them see you!  
Okay.... coming....  
Their jaws dropped as Sirius entered the room, looking shy.  
  
He was still as tall as ever, but thinner and much curvier, his shorts and t-shirt now very baggy on him. His usual shadow of beard stubble was gone, and there was somewhat of a feminine touch to his face. His waist-length hair and exceptionally long eyelashes were more well-suited to him as a woman than when he was a man, and his usually close-clipped, black-painted fingernails were now inch-long claws. He/she fiddled nervously with the silver star necklace he/she was wearing. Er - how do I look?  
  
Hermione said.  
Er - very girly, Harry said.  
Ron didn't say a word. He was staring at Sirius' legs, which would have been quite lovely if it weren't for the fact they were so hairy.  
Sirius looked down at his (I mean her) legs and sighed. That doesn't look too good, does it?  
Hermione stood up. Sirius, time for your first lesson of living as a woman. How to shave your legs. Come on....  
And so she led Sirius into the bathroom.  
  
After about another twenty minutes or so, Sirius came limping back into the living room, her legs now hair-free but plastered with Band-Aids. She collapsed onto the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table, plucking at the collar of her t-shirt, which was too large for her and kept sliding off her shoulder.  
Love, I think you need new clothes, Remus said, eyeing Sirius.   
she sighed. My clothes are perfectly huge. I'll still be able to wear them when I'm pregnant.  
That might take a while, Sirius, Hermione said gently.  
  
Ladies don't swear, Remus said sternly. Come, love. We're going shopping.  
Wait, we need his - er - her measurements first, Hermione said. Remus, do you have a tape measure?  
Remus went to the sewing chest and poked around. Aha. Here's one.  
So Remus and Hermione spent the next ten minutes measuring a blushing Sirius.  
All right, 37 - 25 - 36, Hermione mumbled, writing it down (Ron tried his best not to drool). How tall are you, Sirius?  
Six - one....  
Hrm.... might be hard to find pants for you. Most girls aren't six-one, and most guys don't have 25-inch waists. We'll have to make do with skirts....  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
I am NOT wearing this! Sirius shouted from within the changing room.  
Love, just let us see! Remus called.  
NO! It's too bloody short!  
Remus said firmly.  
The changing room door swung open slowly to reveal a scowling Sirius, wearing a tight pink t-shirt and a red mini-skirt. All the men in the immediate area stopped, stared, and got nosebleeds, except for Remus, who merely smiled, and Harry, who was heartily embarrassed.  
I can't *believe* she's a size six, Hermione grumbled, slightly jealous.  
Shows a little too much leg, don't you think? Sirius scowled, and glared around at the customers. What the hell are you staring at?!  
The customers hurried along on their way (several wives dragging their husbands away and shooting poisonous glares at Sirius).  
Remus stood and walked around Sirius, surveying her from all angles, smiling. I think you look very lovely, dear.  
And there's nothing we can do about the skirts being too short, Hermione said apologetically. It's the most popular style, so it's all they sell, and you're taller than most girls..... well, now that we have clothes (a pile of outfits was resting on an empty chair, already tried on and accepted) we just need shoes and underwear....  
  
Gathering up their shopping, they marched off to the shoe department. Hermione used the foot-measuring thing to see what size Sirius' feet were.  
Size eleven! she said in surprise.  
My feet didn't shrink, you know, Sirius grumbled.  
I'll see what I can find...  
Hermione found the size-eleven rack of women's shoes and picked out a few pairs of heels.  
Try these, she said to Sirius, dumping the pile in front of her.  
Sirius picked up a pair of black heels. Er - aren't I tall enough already?  
It's all they have. Just put them on.  
Sirius slipped the shoes on, and tried to get up. Her ankles wobbled dangerously and she grabbed Remus round the neck to keep from toppling over.  
I don't like this! she said crossly.   
Please, Siri-love, Remus whispered in her ear. It's the only way we'll be able to have a baby.  
I don't see what my shoes have to do with it, Sirius said, but she cautiously let go of Remus and took a few tottering steps across the floor. she shrieked, tipping over and knocking Harry to the ground.  
Ow! Sirius! Harry complained.  
Hermione pulled the shoes off Sirius' feet and helped her back into her sneakers. Never mind. We'll buy them and practice at home. Now for the last thing.  
She piled all the shopping into Harry, Ron, and Remus' arms. Okay, you guys wait here. We are entering a domain in which no man has ever set foot! The - Underwear Department!  
  
So quite obviously, the two teenagers and the unemployed professor were more than happy to sit this one out. Sirius looked quite pale and covered her eyes as Hermione picked out knickers for her, and added those to the ever-growing Purchase Pile. Then she marched Sirius to the bra selection.  
I have to wear one of *those*? Sirius squeaked in fear, covering her eyes again.  
Hermione said, selecting several different styles from the rack (no pun intended). Come with me...  
She handed Sirius the selections and pushed her into a changing booth. Okay, try them on!  
  
Sirius dumped the pile on the little shelf in the booth and selected a bra. She turned it this way and that, trying to figure out how it went on. Er - Hermione - how do I get this thing on?  
It's easy! The thin straps go over your shoulders, and the thick one hooks behind your back.  
Er - okay, Sirius said, taking off her overly-large shirt and studying the bra critically. Hrm. She slipped the shoulder straps on, but when she tried to hook the other strap, she couldn't reach.   
she mumbled, struggling to reach the strap. Hermione! I can't reach!  
Well, I can't come in and help you! Hermione said. Just hook the thing!  
Sirius managed to grasp the ends of the strap between her inch-long fingernails. But alas - her hair was tangled in the hooks!  
she cried, trying to untangle herself. Hermione, help! I'm tangled!  
Hermione sighed and glanced around. There was no one else in the department, so she yanked open the door and sighed when she saw Sirius' predicament.   
Oh, Sirius! she sighed, untangling the bra from Sirius' hair. Hold still!  
But it's *itchy*! Sirius wailed, scratching at the lacy straps.  
Hold *still*! Hermione said, but Sirius squirmed in an effort to scratch her shoulders and Hermione lost her grip on the strap.  
  
*SNAP*!  
  
shrieked Sirius. Hermione! It HIT me!!!  
I told you to stand still! Hermione hissed, looking around to see if anyone had heard Sirius' yells. No one had except for Harry, Ron, and Remus, who were shaking with barely-suppressed giggles. Now, how does it feel?  
It's itchy! And now my back hurts! Sirius mumbled, rubbing at her back. I don't like it!  
Okay, okay, Hermione said soothingly. She pulled a sports bra from the pile. Here. This one's easy. See? It slips right over your head. There's nothing to get tangled in. She handed it to Sirius and closed the door.  
Sirius struggled out of the overly-lacy bra and pulled the sports bra over her head. It immediately dug into her flesh, and she couldn't breathe.  
Hermione, I think it's too tight, she gasped.  
Okay, get it off and we'll try another. I'll go see if I can find some in a bigger size, Hermione said through the door, and her footsteps clicked away.  
Sirius grasped the bra and attempted to pull it over her head. She had it about halfway there when she realized she was stuck, her arms in the air.  
she mumbled, realized Remus couldn't hear her, and mumbled a few nastier curses. She couldn't call Hermione for help; it was just too embarrassing. She struggled in vain. BLOODY HELL!  
What's wrong? Hermione called.   
  
She looked round in desperation. Her eyes fell on the row of hooks on the changing booth's wall, and an idea came to her. Carefully, she hooked the bra strap on the hook and dropped to her knees.  
It worked; the bra slipped off at once. She sighed and rubbed her shoulders.   
Hermione said, and a bra dangled over the top of the door. Try this one.  
Sirius took it and looked at it. It wasn't a sports bra, but it was lace-free.   
Hook the strap around your waist first, then pull it up, Hermione said.  
You could have told me that earlier! Sirius scowled, and did as she was told.  
  
After she got it on, she studied herself in the mirror. I like this one, it's not itchy and it fits good, she said.  
Let me see, Hermione said, opening the door a crack and peeking in. Good. We'll buy a lot of those, then.  
Are we done? Sirius said hopefully.  
Yes... take it off for now...  
  
After Sirius got redressed, she and Hermione put the rejected bras back and bought six of the comfy ones. Then the lot of them staggered out of the shop, carrying their purchases, and managed to get home without killing themselves. And all was fine until Sirius went into the bathroom to change.  
  
REMMIE! HERMIONE!! HELP! she shrieked. Remus and Hermione dashed into the bathroom. Harry and Ron looked at each other, confused.  
Oh no, not *now*! they heard Hermione moan, and then she came running back into the living room and snagged her purse. Stay here! she ordered Harry and Ron, and raced back into the bathroom. They could hear Remus murmuring softly to Sirius, who seemed to be in a state of panic. Then the door slammed shut and all was quiet for a while.  
  
Sirius, Remus, and Hermione finally emerged from the bathroom. Sirius was now wearing the pink shirt and red skirt, but she was walking funny and scowling mightily. Harry and Ron exchanged puzzled glances.   
Er - are you all right, Sirius? Harry ventured.  
I'm fi - AUUUGH! She clutched her stomach and yelped, God, that *HURTS*! Is that supposed to happen?!  
They're only cramps, Hermione said, and she and Remus steered Sirius to the couch and helped her lie down. There's nothing much we can do about that... She fished a bottle of Midol out of her purse and conjured up a glass of water. Take these, they'll help...  
Sirius did so. OW! They're not going away!  
It takes a few minutes to work! Hermione said irritably.  
Please kill me... Sirius wailed.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Remus climbed into bed that night, eyeing Sirius, who was wearing a lacy nightgown and scowling. Love, are you feeling better?  
  
Oh. Well, we might as well start trying -  
  
But Siri -  
I said NO, Remmie! Sirius snarled. I'm tired, my feet hurt, my stomach hurts, I'm gushing blo-  
All right! Remus said hastily. Another time, then.   
And so he turned out the light and tried to sleep. But it wasn't easy. Sirius kept cursing under her breath and getting up to take pills.....  
  
~The Next Morning~  
  
Harry and his friends entered the kitchen at breakfast time to find Remus stirring his coffee very slowly, staring out the window, his eyes unfocused. He looked terrible.   
Harry's godfather/godmother sat at the table, mumbling and stabbing at a grapefruit. She looked just as out of sorts as Remus did. Harry felt bad for them both.  
Rough night? Harry asked timidly, pouring bowls of Cheerios for himself, Ron, and Hermione.  
You don't know the half of it, Sirius grumbled. How can you *stand* this, Hermione?  
Hermione blushed and shrugged, and ate her Cheerios while looking at the ceiling, to avoid meeting Harry and Ron's eyes.  
  
Sirius glared at her grapefruit. Remmie! I hate grapefruit! I want CHOCOLATE!  
Remus shook himself awake. You can't have any. You'll get fat.  
So you only love me because I'm skinny!  
No! I'd love you even if you weighed a thousand pounds, but -  
Good, then there's no problem, Sirius said, marching over to the freezer and pulling out a half-eaten gallon of chocolate ice cream.  
But - Remus started, but Hermione laid a hand on his shoulder.   
she mumbled. Believe me, chocolate'll help with the PMS.  
So they let Sirius eat her ice cream for breakfast. After she was done, she looked at the clock. Oooooh. Time for my stories.  
She ran into the living room and turned on the telly. Strains of romantic-sounding music drifted into the kitchen. Remus, Hermione, Ron, and Harry exchanged glances.  
Ron tiptoed to the kitchen door, peeked into the other room, and groaned. He - I mean *she* - is watching the soap operas!  
Harry shuddered.   
Remus blanched. Is that *normal*?  
I guess, Hermione said. I mean, I don't watch them, but my mother does...  
He - oops - she's ogling the male actors, Ron reported.  
Siri does that anyway, Remus shrugged.  
Oh, right.  
  
Sirius was still watching the stories two hours later when the doorbell rang.  
Who's that? Harry asked from the dining-room table, where he, Ron, and Hermione were working on some homework.  
said Remus, getting up to answer the door, It must be Severus. He's delivering my supply of Wolfsbane Potion for this month.  
Severus? Not - Professor Snape? Ron squeaked.  
Yes, of course, Remus said, frowning slightly. I know you don't get along with him, but he won't be here long.  
He opened the door and they heard him say, Ah, good morning, Severus. Won't you come in?  
I can't stay long, Lupin, Snape's cold voice said as he and Remus marched into the living room. He stopped and narrowed his eyes at Harry, Ron, and Hermione across the room, who were trying to hide behind their textbooks. He rolled his eyes and turned to Remus.  
As I'm going to Ireland next month to visit my mother, I brought you enough potion for two months. he said, indicating the cauldron he had lugged in. He looked as if he'd rather not have done this at all, but any moron knew that Dumbledore was making him do it.  
Thanks very much, Severus, Remus said, smiling as he took the cauldron. He went to put it in the kitchen.  
  
Now so far, all had gone well. But while Snape waited for Remus to return, he happened to step right in Sirius' way (no, he hadn't even noticed the woman on the couch yet).  
Sirius grumbled, but Snape didn't hear her. Hey, Snapey! Move your arse! I can't see the telly! she barked.  
Snape jumped and looked at Sirius for the first time. At first glance she seemed to be an attractive, if grumpy-looking, woman. But then he saw the earring - the necklace - the ring - the hair, even! - and the way she was scowling at him.  
Snape yelled, startling them all, except for Sirius, who merely stuck her tongue out at Snape. For a few horrified seconds, Snape clutched at his heart and stared wide-eyed at the woman on the couch. Then he burst into laughter.  
Y-y-you're a *WOMAN*?! he choked, laughing harder than anyone had ever seen him laugh. W-w-what are you thinking?  
Sirius obviously did *not* want to tell Snape why she had done this. Shut your gob, Snapey!  
Snape had to hold on to the wall to keep from collapsing. He was laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face. J-just y-you wait! I-I-I'm going to tell e-everyone about this...  
  
Remus chose that moment to return from the kitchen. He whipped out his wand, pointed it at Snape, and said sharply,   
Snape's eyes came unfocused and he stopped laughing. Remus put his wand away and took Snape by the arm, and led him to the door. Good day, Severus, he said.  
Snape gave him a rather dazed look, flapped a hand at him halfheartedly, and mumbled, Good day, Hagrid. Then he wandered off down the path, waving randomly at butterflies, squirrels, and the dustbins.  
  
With a sigh, Remus closed the door. Seeing the look on Hermione's face, he said, He's just disorientated. He'll be all right in an hour or so.  
Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. Thank you, Remmie, she said. I didn't want him spreading this around. You know how bad he makes everything sound.  
You know, it's too bad Snape isn't like that all the time, sniggered Ron.  
Yeah, he'd be a lot more fun, Harry agreed.  
  
The rest of the day was not as fun. Once the soap operas ended, there was nothing for Sirius to do but mope around the house and complain. She made hourly trips to the bathroom, too, poor thing. But Remus and the kids felt sorrier for themselves.  
Maybe we should take her out tonight, Hermione suggested. When I'm - er, I mean, when it's - er, my time of the month, I feel better when people do nice things for me.  
I see what you mean, Remus said. We should take her out and make her feel pretty.  
She'll need even more of that once she's pregnant, Hermione warned him.  
Well, I can do that. Remus marched into the living room.   
Sirius mumbled.  
Would you like to go out tonight?  
Sirius said, but then frowned. But I can't walk in those evil shoes!  
I'll help! Hermione said, popping out of the kitchen. She hurried into Sirius and Remus' room and brought out the black heels. Here, put them on. Harry, Ron, come help us!  
  
They pushed the furniture around strategically, so Sirius would have things to grab hold of if she started to fall.  
All right, Sirius, do it heel-toe, heel-toe, Hermione said, demonstrating. Walk to Harry, okay?  
Harry was standing five feet away. He held his hands out to Sirius. Come on, Sirius. It can't be too hard.  
Sirius said, holding her arms out for balance and very carefully beginning to walk to Harry. Heel, toe, heel, toe, she repeated to herself, and managed to get to Harry without falling. She clutched him to her in relief. I made it, Harry!  
Uh, yeah, Harry gasped, slightly squished. Evidently Sirius had lost none of her strength.  
  
Well done! Hermione said, and Remus clapped. Okay, try walking to Ron!  
Ron was across the room. Come on, Sirius, you can do it, he said encouragingly.  
Sirius let go of Harry and held out her arms, preparing to try, but Hermione shook her head. Sirius, you can't walk with your arms held out.   
With a remorseful sigh, Sirius lowered her arms.   
Don't worry, darling, Remus said to her. You can lean on me.  
But not now, Hermione said firmly. Now, walk to Ron.  
Sirius said, and carefully made her way across the room. She wobbled only once, but caught hold of the couch before she could fall, and succeeded in reaching Ron.  
I did it! she said happily, clutching Ron to her in an attempt to stay upright (Ron blushed furiously).  
Very good, love, Remus said, applauding her and going to stand at the end of the hallway. Okay, come to me!  
Oh, Remmie! That's too far! wailed Sirius, but let go of Ron and teetered off down the hall. She made it to Remus and fell gratefully into his arms. How was that?  
I think you've got the hang of it, Sirius! Hermione said. Now, time to plan your outfit....  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
We should get going, Remus called. Are you ready, girls?  
Hermione came out of the bathroom, beaming. Yes! And just wait until you see Sirius!  
I feel like a tart, Sirius yelled. Are you *sure* all this makeup is necessary?  
Yes it is, Hermione said firmly. You look lovely. Now get out here!  
Grumbling, Sirius stepped into the living room. She didn't look so bad. In fact, she was quite lovely. All that makeup turned out to be a hint of black eyeliner and eyeshadow, and a fresh application of black nail polish. She was wearing a short, spaghetti-strap dress and the hated black heels, and of course her silver star necklace and her promise ring'. Hermione had even found a clip-on silver hoop earring to match the hoop in Sirius' other ear (Sirius had had that ear pierced since he was thirteen).  
  
Harry, Ron, and Remus gawked at her.  
  
Sirius asked nervously.  
  
Bloody gorgeous, love, Remus breathed.   
Very nice, Harry proclaimed, while Ron (who seemed unable to speak) nodded in agreement.  
Sirius asked.  
Remus said, kissing her cheek. I never saw you so beautiful.  
Sirius scowled. I'd still rather be beautiful for you as a man.  
Oh, you are. But I won't mind seeing you like this for nine months.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Here we are, Remus announced, skillfully easing the battered black Camaro into a parking space. He eyed the fancy restaurant. I wish you'd have let me call a cab, love, he said to Sirius.   
Cars are cars, Sirius grumbled, trying to get out of the car without her skirt sliding up too far.   
Once Harry, Ron, and Hermione had clambered out of the backseat (Sirius' car was one of those troublesome ones with a backseat but only two doors), Remus took Sirius by the arm and led the way into the restaurant. The host seated them graciously, and a waiter brought them drinks.  
People are staring at me, grumbled Sirius unhappily, spreading her napkin on her lap.  
That's because you're so beautiful, Remus said sweetly, making Sirius blush.  
And it's not like you ever minded it before, Harry teased, opening his menu.  
Oh, be quiet. Here comes the waiter.  
  
The dinner was very nice. It was when dessert was served that the trouble began. Remus had just excused himself to use the restroom, and the others had started on a delicious cheesecake when a man approached Sirius. Usually this would not have bothered her. But this man was very old and bald and his tie clashed horribly with his shirt. And the cloud of alcohol fumes hanging around him was nauseating.   
Hello, dear, he said to Sirius, his disgusting breath hitting her in the face and making her feel ill. What's a lovely girl like you doing here?  
Eating, do you mind? Sirius said.  
I think you and I should leave, don't you?  
said Sirius, scooting her chair away from the man. Other than his disgusting smell, he was trying to look down her dress. Ecchi! My husband will be right back.  
We'll have plenty of time to escape, the man said.  
Harry looked from the man to Sirius, who looked petrified. Time for drastic measures.  
  
Hey, leave my mum alone! he said loudly.  
The man squinted at him. This is your mum?  
Sirius recovered quickly. Yes, I am!  
Then who the ell are these two? the man wheezed, indicating Hermione and Ron.  
My niece and nephew, Sirius said quickly. Now would you *mind* leaving us be?  
the man said, and leaned down and kissed Sirius.  
Sirius coughed, and pushed him back. What are you doing?  
That's what I'm interested in as well, a voice said dryly, and they all looked up to see Remus standing there, his arms crossed and his eyes flinty.  
He's a disgusting old man! Sirius wailed, jumping up and hiding behind Remus. Oh, Remmie, make him go away!  
At this moment, the the host came over. Is there a problem? he asked politely.  
That man's harassing me! Sirius cried from behind Remus.   
The host shook his head. The sad thing is, this is our manager. And he led the man away. But poor Sirius was shaking so bad Remus announced it was time to leave. For which they were profoundly grateful.  
  
They got home without incident, but Sirius broke a heel off her shoe walking up the driveway and insisted on being carried to bed by Remus, who sighed and complied. But peace was not to be had. The cramps attacked again, and Sirius was back to being exceedingly cranky. She couldn't be comforted even after Remus and Hermione had gotten her chocolate, Midol, and a heat pack. Poor Remus climbed into bed that night very reluctantly, wondering if perhaps this plan hadn't been rather stupid.  
  
~The Next Morning~  
  
Ron and Harry entered the kitchen the next morning to see Remus looking exceedingly worried, and Hermione patting him on the shoulder and trying to comfort him.  
What's going on? Harry asked.  
Have either of you seen Sirius? Hermione asked.  
No, we just got up. Why? said Ron.  
She's not here! Remus said tearfully. The last time Sirius went missing, he ended up in Azkaban!  
Harry gulped. Did you look outside?  
Remus wailed. His motorcycle is gone!  
grumbled Ron. What are we going to do?  
Maybe we should start calling - Hermione began, then yelped.   
We can't call her. We don't know where she is! Ron said crossly, but he was cut off by Sirius' voice.  
  
I'm right here, Ron, Sirius said, and they gawked at him. He was back to being a man, and he was wearing his battered old leather jacket and carrying a shopping bag.  
Love - what did you do? Remus asked him.  
I'm sorry, dearest, Sirius said to him. But I just couldn't *STAND* being a woman anymore. Especially after last night... he shuddered. So I got up early this morning and reversed the spell. Are you mad?  
Remus said, hugging him. You're much more well-tempered as a man. And that's saying a lot. But - what about having a baby?  
Sirius smiled down at him and held out the shopping bag.   
Remus and the children exchanged confused looks.  
What, did you buy a kid? Ron asked.  
In a way, Sirius said innocently.  
You can't buy kids, Ron, Hermione snapped.  
But I bought this one, Sirius said. Open it, Remmie.  
  
Remus did so.  
  
The baby had the most adorable black eyes and a cute little button nose. It looked adoringly up at Remus.  
  
And it beeped.  
  
It was a virtual pet.  
  
A black puppy, to be exact.  
  
Remus' eyes filled with tears, and he threw his arms around Sirius. Oh, love, he's perfect! he sobbed. He looks just like Paddy!  
I knew you'd love him, Sirius said happily, hugging Remus tightly.  
Remus sniffled and held the virtual pet out to Harry. Harry, look! You're an uncle!  
said Harry, taking his nephew'. Hey, he does look like Padfoot. What's his name?  
Well, I don't know, Sirius said. We didn't have nine months to think up the perfect name.  
We'd better get thinking, Harry said, handing it to Ron.  
This is better than a real kid, actually, Ron said. You don't have to change diapers or anything like that.  
Er - actually you do, Sirius said sheepishly.  
Ron said, noticing the little litterbox icon at the bottom of the screen. So you do.  
  
Hermione was still gaping at them. After all that work, you went and got a VIRTUAL PET?! she yelled.  
Sure. Why not? Sirius said.  
Hermione burst into tears. Because it was fun having another woman around!  
Oh, I'm sorry, Hermione, Sirius said, hugging her. You can still give me makeup tips if you want.  
Hermione sniffed.   
Really really. I know! Help us think up a name for our baby.  
said Hermione, drying her eyes. How about.... Dartagnan? He was one of the Three Musketeers.  
That was my grandfather's name. Remus said.  
I like it, Sirius said thoughtfully. A rather brave and noble name. Does it suit him, Remmie?  
Yes, yes, very much, Remus said happily. It's perfect. Thank you, Hermione!  
  
~That Night~  
  
I'm sleepy, love, Remus said sleepily, cuddling close to Sirius. Ready for bed?  
Ready if you are, precious. Is our son down?  
Sleeping like a lamb. I read him Goodnight, Moon'.  
I love that story.  
I thought your favorite was Green Eggs and Ham'.  
It is. But Goodnight, Moon' is a close second.  
They got into bed and turned out the lights. It was quiet for a minute. Then -   
  
  
You're a man again.  
You just realized that?  
I meant, if you're a man, that means you don't have -  
Oh, yeah. said Sirius, realizing what he meant. Yeah, I don't have it anymore. Bloody terrible, it was. No pun intended.  
Remus giggled. Then I think you owe me something.  
I already apologized.  
No, I mean.... Remus kissed him.  
said Sirius innocently. So *that's* what you meant. Well, then - He pulled Remus into his arms for a good, long snog. But -  
  
BEEP.  
  
Remus switched on the light and sighed. You know, it really *is* just like having a real kid.  
  
THE END!  
  
(A/N: Hello everyone! Just figured I'd sneak in an update. For those of you who are fans of my story The Marauders At Hogwarts', please don't fret! Yeear 10 is on the way! It was on hold for a while, while my room was being repainted and recarpeted and all that. But now I'm back on track, and Year 10 should be coming quite soon! Thanks ever so much for being patient, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting!)


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